My old classmate from veterinary school, Dr. Bob Wurldswurst, is the Dalai Lama of veterinarians. Possessed with the innate wisdom to see life lessons hidden within everyday events, the Master teaches us how to behave when we seek the poorest quality and least value in veterinary care. Here are some excerpts from Dr. Bob’s new book, “The Wurldswurst Way to Care for Your Pet.”
Call at the Last Minute. “There’s no better time to call than 20 minutes before closing on Friday afternoon,” says Dr. Bob, “especially when your pet has been vomiting for four days.” Nothing revs up a veterinary hospital staff more than knowing they will have no time to thoughtfully provide for your pet’s needs. “A quick, poorly-considered decision is best,” says Dr. Bob. “Make sure your veterinarian has to go from the gut.”
Better yet, Don’t Call at All. “Just show up out of the blue with a chronically ill animal and expect the people with appointments to put their day on hold when you push to the front of the line,” Dr. Bob advises, “then everyone will be irritable.” Nothing revs up a veterinary hospital staff more than having a waiting room full of angry clients. “Anyone can be in two places at once,” Dr. Bob instructs, “half as much for half as long.”
Show Up Late. “Be sure to arrive at least 15 minutes late for your 20 minute appointment,” Dr. Bob suggests. Nothing revs up a veterinary hospital staff more than being forced to blast through sensitive procedures. “Cats and dogs are more cooperative and behave better when given no opportunity to become comfortable with new people who do strange things to them,” Dr. Bob says. “Think of your veterinary visit as a drive-through prostate exam: Get in, get out, and get back on the road.”
Better yet, Don’t Show Up at All. “Veterinary appointments are really more like suggestions,” Dr. Bob reveals. “ It’s great if you can make it.” Nothing revs up the veterinary hospital staff like waiting for a No-Show when there are sick animals in need of help. “A wasted appointment slot can always be given to another needful patient,” Dr. Bob reminds us, “except that it can’t! That time is gone forever! Oh, well!”
Argue. “The article your mother’s friend’s cousin saw on the Internet is much more reliable and authoritative than your veterinarian,” says Dr. Bob, “who has only had many long years of education and some decades of experience.” Nothing revs up the veterinary hospital staff like having to explain that reading part of a paperback book does not make Cousin Stu a reliable reference. “Any idiot can post on the web,” Dr. Bob reminds us, “so why hasn’t Stu read your veterinarian’s articles?”
After your appointment, Complain Loudly About the Bill. “You’ve been nice as pie to the doctor. Now feel free to dump on the receptionist,” Dr. Bob suggests. “Veterinary receptionists are tough.” Nothing revs up the veterinary hospital staff like having their hard work devalued. “It doesn’t kill them, so it must make them stronger,” says Dr. Bob. “You’re doing them a favor.”
Better yet, Don’t Pay at All. “You’ve walked past the ‘Payment is Due at the Time of Service’ signs, spent 20 minutes in the exam room with the doctor, and have $100 worth of medications in your hands,” Dr. Bob reminds us. “Instead of writing a check, tell them you’ll catch up with them next week.” Nothing revs up the veterinary hospital staff like wondering if their paychecks are going to bounce. “It’s amazing how not paying improves the quality of service you receive,” Dr. Bob says. “You should try this sh… stuff at Safeway.”
Ignore Instructions. “Medication instructions,” Dr. Bob explains, “ are really more like guidelines.” Nothing revs up the veterinary hospital staff like seeing an animal patient’s therapy fail because their carefully detailed instructions were ignored. “If you give the medication for a couple of days,” Dr. Bob explains, “that really ought to do it. Most things are just fine in a few hours. If your pet really wants the medication, he’ll ask for it.”
I have to hand it to Dr. Bob. The man is a visionary. No one could be more clear. It really is the Wurldswurst Way to obtain health care for your pet. But I’m concerned that his book will not become an instant best seller. It seems like quite a few folks have already read it.